not a mom, but maybe amazing

Before i say anything, i want to say that what i am about to say is not meant to be a slight or an insult toward anyone in the whole world.

Here goes...

Today is Mother's Day.

I have always loved Mother's Day because it is a great time for me to give special shout-outs to one of my absolute favorite people in the universe, my mom.

The impact that my mom has had on my life is profound.  But i'll get all gushy and snotty nosed if i go into that right now, so i'll forego for the time being.

In recent years, Mother's Day has taken on a throbbing pain sort of element for me, as i am advancing on my mid-forties and am childless, and as my husband's mother has gone from this life to the next.

But this is about me, not her.  Not right now anyway.

Really wonderful, nice, kind, people don't want you to feel left out about anything.  So when you're not actually a mom, and Mother's Day rolls around, and they want to be able to tell you, "Happy Mother's Day!" because it's a holiday, and you're female and all, and they want you to feel happy and not left out, they say things that are meant to comfort you and make you feel included.

Things like, "well, you have a mother's heart, and that's what counts." Or, "you're a mommy to your chickens..."  Etc.

But here's the thing...

First of all, i eat my chickens, so let's be careful about the parallels we draw to my relationship with my livestock.

And secondly, i am not a mom, but i have one.  I have a really really good one.  And the thing i know about a mom is that her job is day in and day out, forever.  For as long as i live.  I am on the downhill side of 41 years, and i know that if i need my mom any time day or night, she's there for me, still.  I'm her kid, and she's my mom.  She's also my friend, and i am hers.

But as for me, i have not given life to a child, given a home to a child, or earned by day to day trial and sleeplessness, and constant prayer, and concern, and research and worry and more prayer and so on, the honor of being called a mom to anyone.

And it's OK!  I'm not saying it's my favorite thing.  It's sad.  It's something i always thought i would be and am not.  It's something i have grieved bitterly.  I do not know why God did not choose, one of the thousands of times i begged for His intervention, to cause the miracle of conception and child birth to happen in my womb.

But i am still not a mom.  And giving out the mom trophy to all the females of reasonable age to possibly be a mom, is, to my heart, a way in which the honor rightfully bestowed upon all the beautiful, wonderful mothers, who have given life, or who have taken lives into their home and given them an upbringing and safety and care, is compromised.  And i don't want that.  I want them to be rightfully honored.

I read one of these feel-good memes on Facebook or somewhere today, on Mother's Day, and it said something about how being a mother is loving someone selflessly with all your heart.  But that's not true.  That's called being a good friend, possibly a really good friend, or a best friend, and it certainly goes a long way toward helping you to be a good mom, if you are a mom.  But it doesn't, on its own, qualify anyone to represent themselves as being a mother.

Being a fantastic caregiver to dogs and cats and chickens and ferrets, or what-have-you, also does not make you a mother.  Not really.  It probably means you're a really nice, caring, kind person who enjoys caring for animals, but it doesn't make you a mother.  And that's ok too.

Let me explain a little more, ok?  Will you keep reading please?

Wanting to make women feel included and appreciated is a good thing.  But let me tell you something:  something important happened in my life when i started to grieve not being a mother.  I allowed myself to be open to whatever else God might have in mind for me.  Some of my biggest heroes of history never gave birth to a soul, but they still impact my life today.  They weren't mothers.  But they were AMAZING!

I want to be free to be amazing.  But as long as i am longing to be something i am not, or calling myself something i am not, instead of moving forward and learning to be what God wants me to be, i am cheating myself, and i am cheating the purpose of God,and i am cheating those whom He means for my life to benefit.

Maybe God will still use me to be someone's mother.  I don't know.  My job isn't to know.  My job is to be the clay.