Freecycle(TM) Funnies

In today's economy, more and more Americans are or should be turning to organization such as Freecycle(TM) or Craigslist to find free or cheap used items from others in their communities. I've been a member of Freecycle(TM) for about a year now. I've acquired perfectly good used appliances, kitchen items, and a very unusual cat, who i have come to love dearly - all for free. I've also gotten to give away gardening items, siding, scrap appliances, and household items to very grateful receivers.

The point of Freecycle(TM), in particular, is to keep usable items out of the landfill by giving them to others who might benefit from them. Sometimes when the person offering is describing the item being offered, the advertisement is kind of funny, and it's a good thing they're not asking money for this stuff.

I've collected a few funny or entertaining ads that i've read, for your entertainment.

Here's a fun one: the free haircut

Im a licenced cosmetologist working for (named company) and looking for ppl interested in getting a free haircut Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 10am-1pm ONLY. I would be cutting your hair shoulder length adding some layers. Serious inquiries only.

I love it! I'll give you a free haircut, and here's the style you're getting.
***

This person should get into marketing.

From Dillards and very old. This was my sister's and it is in bad shape. She had dogs, it is dirty, and it has some worn areas and a few tears. A super cleaning and some sewing, it will be a nice sectional for someone having nothing otherwise.

I repeat. This sectional is not in good shape at all. But free is free.

Must pick up tonight. No smoking, if that matters.

I love brutal honesty!
***

This guy, as they say, could sell a freezer to an eskimo.

Free hot tub shell only, no pumps,heaters,etc. It is approximately 11 ft. x 7 ft. Has some scratches and needs cleaning. Refurbish it, use it for a koi fish pond? The possibilities are endless.
The fact is that you NEED it.

I was just thinking that this morning: i really do NEED a dirty, scratched up piece of a hot tub to landscape my yard!
***


This one's unusual...

Mecca brand reversible coat, one side camo and the other black. Medium size. Would like for it to go to a cute hip-hop guy who can pull off the intended look.

That's a lot of pressure. Can you imagine having to audition for a free coat?
"Sorry, sir, you're not cute enough. Next!"
***

Here's an enticing offer:

Please read the whole thing... First needs to be picked up between 6-
6:30 today. you do not have to take all. these are bags of girl
clothes from newborn and up to bigger size no i do not know did not
look. also bags of stuffed animals and toys. okay now the catch these
were in a container that has take in water no not all got wet but most
did. you are welcome to what you want the rest will go to the burn
pile. the wet clothes just need to be wash with bleach to get the
smell out. toys also bleached from dirt.

Ew.
***


And now, the pièce de ré·sis·tance of funny free ads.

FREE: horrible, uncomfortable twin mattress
Yes, that's right, I am giving away the worst mattress known to man for the unbeatable price of FREE. "This sounds like a horrible offer," you say. Au contraire, sir. Allow me to explain:

Do you have relatives coming to visit soon? Do you hate these relatives? Perhaps your mother-in-law is on her way in to town or your sister who tried to steal your boyfriend back in high school is coming. What better way to passive-aggressively torture these unwanted guests than to outfit the guest bed with a sheet of granite cleverly disguised as a mattress? They will never want to visit you again after spending a weekend in your torture chamber of a guest room.

Perhaps you like a firm sleeping surface, but are frowned upon for sleeping on the floor. Think you can't find anything harder than hardwood? Try this mattress! Don't waste your money on a "sleep number bed" with the firmness turned all the way up. In time, the air in the mattress will start to leak and the mattress will go soft. This mattress will NEVER go soft!

This is a very high quality mattress. It was purchased at Gallery Furniture, so you know you're getting something good. There are no stains on it ..., but if you want me to make up a really gross backstory for the mattress to make you feel even more evil for taking it, I can do that. I have a very good imagination and will go all out.

All you have to do to acquire this mattress is drive out here and get it. I understand there is probably a very high demand for a mattress of this quality, so please be patient if I do not reply right away. Please include a story of why you need a horrible mattress if you like. We can share our sadness together.

Pick up only. I think this mattress would melt my car with all the evil it contains if I were to try to deliver it to you anyways.

*****

As to the evil mattress, i wrote and asked the writer of that ad if she had gotten any interest. She told me that the woman most likely to get the mattress at the time was someone who had a good story about her "dirtbag, deadbeat, brother-inlaw." Yikes!